Emma Jarvis: This R U OK Day, ditch the superficial check-ins for a genuine connection

Every year, when R U OK Day comes around I am reminded of a time when my children were young, and I was so tired and lonely that I did an experiment. For one week, I decided to be honest when people asked me if I was OK. The first time I was asked if I was OK, it had been a busy week. My husband had been away with work, the kids had been their usual full, vibrant and energetic selves and life felt relentless. An older gentleman in a community that I was part of asked; “Hi Emma, how are you?” I replied, a little vulnerable: “I’m tired and grumpy actually”. The gentleman, looking somewhat disconcerted, replied: “Oh, well at least you are honest!” He then walked off. I was left feeling amused, but in all honesty, also a little let down. The gentleman returned about 10 mins later and said: “I realised I should have asked why you feel like that”. While I was appreciative, the moment of safety to be vulnerable had been lost. After mumbling an evasive answer, it was my turn to walk away. This experience has made me reflect over the years around how open I am, but also how open we are in our families, workplaces and communities, to taking a minute to sit with someone and just be present. We are human beings but we function as human doings. I am the worst candidate for this, somewhat superficially checking in with people at work or at home while I make a cup of tea in the kitchen, and then returning as quickly as I can to my emails or to the washing. Living and working by our personal and workplace values in the context of our busy lives takes intent. Often, we want to be seen and known as friends and colleagues who take time to listen and care, but too often, we are disingenuous in the asking, checking in because we are conditioned to do so without really caring about how the other person will respond. Or we can be task-focused rather than relationship-focused, whether we realise it or not. This hinders truly listening when we ask if a friend or colleague is OK. Within our workplaces and communities, to be honest about how we are we must trust that our vulnerability will be met with compassion, acceptance, and kindness. So not just today on R U OK day, but every day, I invite you, alongside me, to give yourself and those around you permission to pause. Take time to genuinely check in with yourself and others. Let us continue to model genuine care, concern and listening within our families, workplaces and the wider community in a way that enables us to be safe and to be honest when we are asked if we are OK. Genuinely checking in, and being safe to be vulnerable, should not be a once per year event. Emma Jarvis is the chief executive officer of the Palmerston Association. RUOK Day is Thursday, September 12