The Ferret: John Carey bags NBN, sloths and gorillas sue, police launch North Metropolitan Health Service investigation

CAREY NBN CHARY

Ferret is naturally suspicious of the modern world, what with all its trickery and blather and the pathetic global obsession with Kim Kardashian’s humungous arse.

We prefer the simpler things in life — riding our penny-farthing along bumpy country roads at night, raising a crossbow in built-up areas to down passing pheasants, devouring high-quality snuff while being pedicured.

That said, Ferret does love the NBN. We’re looking forward to that feeling of elation when high-speed, cutting-edge technology is laid across the Fremantle Traffic Bridge and down into our burrow so we can watch nature documentaries*.

However, Ferret hears Perth Labor MP John Carey, below, is not a big fan, which is somewhat odd considering the NBN has always been his party’s No.1 initiative.

In fact, not only does our man Carey reckon the NBN is a crock, but he is also actively steering his own constituents away from it and urging them to go to fixed wireless Node1.

“Trust me, you’ll never look back,” he honked on some new fandangled internetty thing called Nose Face or Book Fart or something.

Well done, Mr Carey. Your concern about people over politics will always win over Ferret’s heart — even if the whole Labor (with a bit of Turnbull thrown in) shemozzle continues to cost taxpayers billions.

* (and download lots of Ferret porn and stuff).

SLOWIE BURN

In what may be another surprise to you, we often grab the attention of some of the best defamation lawyers in town. People are so thin-skinned these days, don’t you think?

Just like us sneaky ferrets, those sly solicitors and nuisance notaries usually pop up unannounced when we wade through the weekly tsunami of adoring fan email.

Not that we mind. Ferret is particularly delighted to see one from, say, a Dalkeith QC, which means we have upset someone awfully important. Applause.

What is even more fun is the look on their face when we tell them to take a number and join the queue. So deflating for the poor things.

However, our Anthony Fels scoop last week about the perennial pollie and his kooky UAP comrades running (an ambitious word to use in the same sentence as Clive Palmer) at the coming election elicited a special kind of legal action.

Attention: Mr T. Ferret

Writ of Defamation.

1. On the 23rd March 2019, you caused to be published, on page 2 of The West Australian, comments intended to be defamatory to a minority group in our community — sloths and gorillas.

2. Use of the terms “six-toed slowies and dribbling knuckle draggers” is intentionally belittling and offensive to our communities.

3. Take note that unless a retraction and apology is published forthwith, we will apply to the International Court for the Protection of Rare Species (ICPRS) for the issuance of a writ for defamation, damages and costs.

4. This action is fully underwritten by the Dockers and Collingwood fan clubs of Australia.

Signed: Peter McLernon, UAP candidate for Swan.

It wasn’t really signed. However, there was a big X there, and that is good enough from our newest bestie.

Ferret is elated to discovered UAP does do humour, albeit in a somewhat tortured manner. Therefore, we order our loyal Swan subjects to cast their votes accordingly come May.

Imagine having McLernon and Fels in Canberra? Ferret can only wee in anticipation.

FAT CATS COPPING IT

Ferret’s Deep Holes down at Gotham City Police HQ have finally coughed up a scoop (after much humiliating begging).

Both Commissioner Gordon and Chief O’Hara have confirmed to the Ferret that the investigation into the scandalous behaviour by those fat cats at the North Metropolitan Health Service is now in full swing.

Remember those dudes? We give you government contracts if you give us footy tickets and overseas trips and stuff. Sounds a perfectly reasonable way to do business to Ferret, but apparently it’s against the law.

Well, we have heard that a team of gumshoes have created Taskforce Highland. Why have they called it that? No idea.

However, what we do know is the i’s are being dotted and the t’s crossed on a whole stack of witness statements, and as our plod mates would say, the net is closing.

How exciting!

WOBBLY WAGES

And one last thing: Being sexually dimorphic, Ferret really does swing both ways. So why doesn’t Cricket Australia do the same?

Surely it does not matter what your wobbly bits look like — as long as they work, as that odd old man who played with his model trains in his garage used to tell a kit Ferret back in the day.

And surely, it could not be true that umpires in Big Bash League games, above, get roughly five times more pay than umpires do in WBBL games — that is about $1650 for the blokes and $350 for the sheilas. Surely not.